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Dodds Rolls Back the Years… and Possibly His Bladder Control

What a day we had at Uttoxeter Golf Club as society legend Tommy Dodds somehow managed to wind the clock back 20 years and claim victory with a magnificent 38 points.

Yes, you read that correctly. THIRTY EIGHT.

Quite how a man held together mainly by Deep Heat, prescription medication and sheer stubbornness managed to produce golf of this quality remains under investigation by the committee.

For those newer members unfamiliar with Tommy’s golfing history, there was once a time when he strutted around the fairways as a feared 5 handicapper. Those days are now little more than folklore, spoken about in hushed tones over post-round pints like tales from a lost civilisation.

Nowadays Tommy lines up alongside the rest of us hackers, somewhat embarrassingly playing off 12. A number he constantly reminds everyone is “still too low.” Judging by recent events, that statement deserves a full criminal investigation.

Leaky underpants or not, the man is taking the absolute piss.

Tommy got off to a flying start with 20 points on the front nine, looking suspiciously confident for a man who usually spends most rounds discussing prostate medication and the location of the nearest toilet facilities.

The back nine brought another solid 18 points, including what witnesses are already describing as “one of the great sandbags of modern society golf” on the final hole. Needing a finish under pressure, Tommy somehow managed to scrape together enough points while simultaneously claiming  “That was tough!.” ...(My arse!)

The performance was enough to pip Darren Storer — known affectionately around the society as “The Housewives Favourite” — by a single point.

Darren once again looked immaculate, tanned and annoyingly photogenic, but sadly for him there are no style points in Stableford golf.

Credit where it’s due though, Tommy played some tremendous golf all day. A few crisp iron shots, some nerveless putting and several drives that reminded everybody there really was once a serious golfer hiding beneath the pensioner symptoms.

There were emotional scenes in the clubhouse afterwards as Tommy celebrated with the sort of joy normally reserved for lottery winners or men who make it through the night without getting up six times for a wee.

Congratulations Tommy. Uttoxeter witnessed golfing history.

Handicap review pending.