Bacon Cobs, Panic & Peak Athletic Performance

Firstly, thank you to everyone who joined us for the last society day at Uttoxeter Golf Club. Spirits were high, handicaps were questionable and several of you once again proved that owning expensive golf clubs has absolutely no connection whatsoever to actual golfing ability.

Now then… we need to address The Great Breakfast Tee Time Disaster of 2026.

Somewhere between the club, the kitchen, the starter and possibly NASA air traffic control, there appears to have been a slight misunderstanding regarding our timings. We were under the impression breakfast was scheduled comfortably before golf. The golf club, meanwhile, seemed to believe breakfast was the warm-up.

The result? Absolute carnage.

One minute we were calmly sitting down discussing politics, the price of fuel, the economy and if Anthea Turner was worth a bash back in the day, the next we were being told:
“You’re on the tee... Now.”

Not “in 20 minutes.”
Not “after coffee.”
Not even “finish chewing.”

Just… NOW.

This led to scenes rarely witnessed outside a military evacuation.

Half the society sprinted towards the first tee clutching bacon cobs like relay batons. One member was seen trying to butter a roll while putting his glove on. Another teed off still carrying a bacon bap in his back pocket for “energy on the back nine.”

Naturally, this completely ruined our elite-level preparation routines.

Normally, as you all know, our society members dedicate at least an hour to serious pre-round training:

• Stretching muscles we didn’t know existed
• Analysing wind direction
• Discussing course management
• And carefully watching other people hit balls while we stand there pretending we were “just about to loosen up”

Instead, we were launched onto the first tee cold, confused and still tasting brown sauce.

Frankly, it’s no surprise the scoring suffered.

Ryan Welburn snap-hooked his opening drive so violently that we briefly considered it a breakfast delivery to the adjacent fairway. Steve Willetts claimed his putting was affected because “the bacon grease changed the grip pressure.” A medical breakthrough no doubt currently being studied by the R&A.

Still, despite the chaos, everyone took it in great spirit and the day turned into another classic society outing full of laughs, questionable handicaps and stories that will improve dramatically with every retelling.

Special mention must also go to Craig Grove who managed to eat an entire bacon cob while driving the buggy one-handed between the 1st and 2nd holes. True professionalism under pressure.

Until next time,